Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Worried About Gitmo Prisoners? Why Not Adopt a Terrorist?

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and al-Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home-schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. Also, beware that he will bite you, at any given opportunity. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate any of these skills at your next neighborhood meeting.

Remember, Ahmed is also an expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up unless in your opinion, this might offend his sensibilities.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as subhuman and merely a form of property for men. Women are a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code he recommends as more appropriate attire, the "Bhurka." I'm sure the women of your family will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka---over time, of course. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting Ahmed's culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you originally put it in your list of complaints?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who are so knowledgeable, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially....Your Public Servant

Don Rumsfeld

United States Department of Defense